Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Red Wings! Listen Up! I WASN'T JOKING!!

Dear Red Wings,

Hardee-poopin'-ha. OK, you got me.

There's me sitting in front of the TV until 9 minutes before 1am. Watching you play since 8pm. Almost 6 periods. That's like 2 games, or, taking the tiredness factor into account, 20 games.

And then you go and let Petr Sycora go and score on you and win the game.

The joke's over.

It was bad enough when you were up 3-2 with 35 second to go before you could skate around the ice with Lord Stanley's cup hoisted above your heads. Decided to hold that one of for another night, eh? Good job! Cos I had meself on the edge of the seat and had the family all around me and us all ready to celebrate. But no. You were playing your little games and allowed Pittsburgh to score and force overtime.

Heck, the police in Royal Oak had all the barricades out and were all ready for a celebratory riot. The helicopters were circling like happy-vultures. Looks like you had them fooled too.

This is no longer funny. I command you to go to Pittsburgh tomorrow night AND COME BACK WITH A BIG SHINY STANLEY CUP!!!!!!!

Yea, real funny it was your periods of sleepiness, which got between admittedly excellent offense and defense. And also funny your 58 shots on goal (as opposed to 32 from the Penguins), out of which you manages to put 3 in the net. You know that's only a 5% accuracy rate. Hilarious!

Tomorrow night, JUST DO IT!

Here are some lessons. Please, everybody who is a Red Wing, listen up. Except Ozzie. I'll get to you later.

First off, here is a puck:

Now, what you do with this is put it into the net.

Or, you could call it a goal. What-ever! It looks like this:

Pretty simple. Inside the net. Not around.
Not above.

Got it?

And, just so there's no confusion, hit it into the net using a hockey stick. You know, it's the thing you all carry around with you. Example:

Hit with the wide end.

Unless you're Kris Draper, you has used his face to nudge the puck in. Not advisable, Kris, but nice.

Anyway, there may be a slight, certainly not insurmountable obstacle. It looks like this:

Don't worry about it. It's really a girl. You just need to put the puck around it and into the net lots of times.

Us it as a marker for the net you need to put the puck into. No, not the one with Osgood in front of. The one with this ballet-dancer. OK?

Also, you have no need to worry about this little fella, despite what the NHL and Channel 4 seems to think.
He really is just an over-rated mini-mite.

Give him a few years - when he can grow a play-off beard he might be useful.

OK. Osgood. You have been just about outstanding in these play-offs. Just keep it up, but better than last night. Your defense will help all they can, but JUST STOP THE PUCK FROM GOING INTO THE NET BEHIND YOU. No matter who hits it. Pretty simple, right?

So, great Red Wings, just follow the steps above. Put the puck in the Penguins net lots and lots of time. Don't let them put the puck in your net. Just do that and you will get this.


A Very Nervous Fan

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